Too Cool

My friends are the best...

Because this is part of a conversation I just had with my friend Kelly.

Me: You can't get fired for kool aid tampons
Kelly: I couldn't get fired for anything obscene that I did considering that on my best day I'm not nearly as obnoxious as these guys
Me: True.... but I'm pretty sure pelting them with period blood might be crossing the line

We accept cash, credit cards, and juice boxes.

A religious boy distractedly wandered into the store this afternoon. He didn't look at me, or any of the other people in the store. Nor was he looking at the clothing. He just kept looking all around the floor area, and corners. I finally asked him if I could help him. He looked up with this big grin on his face, and walked over to the desk with his hand out. There was a crumpled juice box in there. He said, "Looking to make a donation."

He wanted a garbage, of course. But I am slow, and it took me a second to figure that out.

It is called a "Shower" people!

People smell. They smell like the foods they cook. They smell like the offices they work in.They smell like body oder. They smell like miscellaneous scents that I can't place. They come in with their scents, and leave their smells all over the clothes.

A woman bought a bodysuit this afternoon. She had tried it on first, and when she brought it up to the register, I was assaulted by a horrible stench emitting from what I believe was the crotch area. How gross is that?

I'm thinking of investing in a gas mask. Or making people pass a smell-test before they can try on clothing. Although, then I'd have to get really close to their stank. Maybe I'll just get one of those fans that strap around your neck. I'll tell people I have a condition that required me to breathe in fresh air at all times.

A little Heroin will top off this dish perfectly

These are... Salt and Pepper shakers??

To add insult to injury, they cost $150.00



Yay Art?

You can choose to read the sarcasm

In case you can't tell, it actually says "Snort With Style" in the red box. What is that nifty product? It's a handy dandy coke plate. Because apparently the bathroom sink just isn't good enough anymore.

I fucking love America.

Why I am a Bad Person: Reason # 432

We took the cat to the vet today. He was keeping his left eye closed a lot of the time and it was concerning me. She gave us an eye ointment and told us to keep him in one of those head cones for a week so he doesn't scratch his eye more. It is the funniest thing to me, to see him struggling with the damn thing. It is funny to see him trying to get it off. It is funny to see him running into things because he doesn't realize his head area now takes up more space than it did before. It is funny to see how he has to lie down in a very prim and proper manner. Most of all, it is funny to watch him walk BACKWARDS in an attempt to not hit his head. He has been backing his way up all over the apartment and I am in stitches.

Something is wrong here

We all know I have a problem. Well, I have quite a few. But the one I'm currently speaking of, is my spelling problem. I can't spell. I spelled Sugar "Shuger" until I was in 7th grade. I misspell the simplest of words sometimes. Some common ones are: Probably and Definitely. Which is why the automatic spell check on my computer is like Mana from heaven.

Unfortunately, it sometimes decides I should be talking about something way more interesting than I am...

I AM N.E.R.D

Mike and I just got back from seeing the Transformers. I am high from the awesome nerdiness. That movie was fantastic.

An interesting observation, every single girl in that movie down to the Extras were all super hot chicks with long hair, big boobies, and super low cut shirts.

I am SUCH a girl.

Something happened yesterday that I never thought would happen.

I tried to buy shoes and couldn't find any I liked.

That has never happened to me before. And gosh darn it, I really want a new pair of brown shoes that are not casual, but don't have a four inch heel.

Almost every time I go to DSW I walk out with three pairs of shoes. (I cut myself off once I hit three pairs.) It was the most bizarre feeling to walk out empty handed. I actually felt like I was doing something wrong. Like I was stealing from them by NOT buying their shoes.

Wedding: Part One

Being the super cynical person that I am, I kept thinking the wedding wouldn't happen. Not due to my own actions, or Mike's. I knew we were in it for the long haul. It's just that together, we have some of the worst luck anyone could have. Surely, I thought, something would happen to stop the wedding. Luckily, nothing did. And it turned out to be the best wedding anyone had ever been to. Seriously, I'm not just tooting my own horn. Every single one of my friends, and Mike's friends came over to say it was the most fun wedding they had ever been to. It was honestly an amazing party. So yay for that. The best time I've had 100% sober. Which makes me sound like a freaking lush, I know.

As far as Mike's family was concerned, it all worked out. His mom, step dad, and brother didn't come, and didn't try to any sabotage. Which was a relief, after all the insane drama that was pulled. I thought it was going to be weird without them there, but it was not at all. The absence didn't cross my mind once. Jen, Mike's sister, happily did all the ritual things the moms usually do. And it was amazing. I didn't have to see a single person who talked shit about my family and me. And I didn't have to look at someone who I knew didn't want to be there. Or someone who had been actively trying to sabotage my wedding. His fraternal grandmother sat next to his dad at the head table, so it didn't look so lopsided. And this way Mike got to spend more time with his grandmother. Who is an amazing woman, btw. I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her. It's a shame she lives so far away.

There are so many little details I want to write about. The dancing was amazing and energetic. Mike's and my first dance was beyond perfect. The food was good (not that we ate any of it until after we were back in our room at midnight.) Everyone just had an amazing time. It made me so happy to see everyone so sweaty and happy and worn out from dancing so hard. Josh, the best man made a hysterical speech including this line, "You Jews sure know how to party!" My friend Laura, who was our coordinator did an awesome job just like I knew she would. My bouquet was perfect, the centerpieces were perfect. My dress was an oven, and I still didn't like how it fit, but I didn't care. Nothing could take away from that day.

The first part of the wedding started at 2pm. I was up at 6am, at the hairdresser at 7am, and that took two hours. Got to the hotel, got my makeup done, got dressed and then went down for pictures. Once we were done with that, it was time for the Kabbalat Panim (the first part of the wedding.) Then Mike and I didn't end up getting up to our room until almost midnight. It was a long wedding, and a long day, but amazing.

The Kabbalat Panim was weird to me. My mom wasn't even by me for the majority of the time. She kept running off to do random stuff. But I got to see a lot of my friends, and that was when I met a lot of Mike's friends and family (the ones I hadn't met yet). Barry was the funniest because he just kept looking at me with the oddest look on his face. And just shook his head and said "This is too fucking weird, Man" before walking away. And then. Then came the time when I got to see Mike. We hadn't seen each other for what felt like a million years before the wedding. The moment I saw him, I started laughing and crying. He is the handsomest most amazing man I've ever met, and he never looked so handsome as in that moment. He come over, and told me I looked gorgeous, and didn't look like a gigantic boob (I had told him I hated my dress because my tits look huge and I look like one huge breast) and then pulled the veil over my head. My dad then came over and said something to me in Hebrew. Then Bill (Mike's dad) gave me a hug. Then it was over, and it was time for the ceremony.

Because the bride walks down last, I didn't see anyone else walking down. I know my niece freaked out and cried the whole way down because I could hear her. But she made it down eventually. All I know is, I walked up to the door, and the first person I saw was Brian Banks beaming at me. Then I saw Jason Finklestien. Then I saw some of my other guy friends. But then I rounded the corner and standing in front of me was Mike. As soon as I saw him, I never looked away. I made it down the isle without tripping or anything and the ceremony started. It went much like I'd expected. We looked at each other a lot and joked with each other under our breaths a little. Mostly we paid attention to what the Rabbi was doing. Then Mike said the line that marries us, and then the Ketubah was read (the Jewish marriage licence.) Then My father and brother sang a beautiful song. Let me tell you, that was so special to me. It was so freaking amazing and touching that they did that for me. Then Mike broke the glass and it was all over. Although, I should say that he didn't just step on that glass like most dudes. He put one hand on the Rabbi's shoulder, and the other on my shoulder and jumped SO GOD DAMN HIGH and came down on the glass. It was great, and everyone got a huge kick out of it. Then we walked down the isle with everyone singing and dancing us down.

After that we went into a room alone for a few minutes. Then we went to go take pictures together.

Then came the dancing. We were announced and went running in under arches people were holding and onto the dance floor. We both danced our asses off and by the end of the first set of dancing we were both sweaty messes. It was so much fun. The rest of the night went pretty much like that. We danced as hard as we could, and laughed and talked and smiled and had a great time. There was separate dancing until after the meal was over, and that is when Mike and I had our first dance. We danced to "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds. It wasn't planned, but we both sang the song to each other as we danced. It was perfect.

The whole day/night was perfect. I couldn't have imagined a better day if I'd tried.

One thing I can't forget to say, is how awesome Tami is. She knew how upset Mike and I were that we couldn't get the cake we had wanted (we couldn't find a kosher bakery who could make it) so she went out and had OUR CAKE made in a mini version. She found some bakery somewhere that made it for her. She got us alone in the photography room with the photographer and surprised us with it. It almost made me cry that she would do that for us.

MC Poo-Pants

Dear Crazy Lady,

I am so happy you want to shop in my store. I am also happy you are trying to amuse me with your adorable sweatshirt with the ice cream cone patches all over it. Oh, and the big colored buttons sewn on? Really make the whole look. And so far, whatever conversation you are loudly having with yourself is fairly funny.

The only thing I ask ma'am, is that you clean the poo from your pants before you come in the next time. The smell is burning my eyes.

Oh, and there is one more thing. I'm OK with your mini-backpack. I really am. It's your Denim Fanny Pack I take issue with. It is personally offending me.

Thank You!

Signed,

Someone Who Knows She Is Shallow, And Does Not Care If It Makes Her A Bad Person.

Mass Murder In Skokie, IL

I might be on the run soon. Because I might be killing everyone who works in the bridal store I ordered my dress from. I ordered my dress almost three months ago. It was supposed to take 8 weeks to get here. We paid for a double rush so it would get here MAY 1st. Um yeah. I don't know if anyone is aware, May 1st passed 15 days ago. And guess what? My dress won't be in until tomorrow. Which means tomorrow morning I will be waiting at their doors when they open. Because I already know there will be a lot of alterations to be done. Because that is how we ordered it. We figured there were certain nips and tucks that would be easier to do while it was on my body. But now, we barely have time to do it. I'm getting married in a little over two weeks. And the lady at the store had the NERVE to tell me it will be cutting it close, like it was my fault. I snapped on her and told her that was completely their fault. I love my dress. I really really love my dress. But I loved a bunch of dresses I tried on at other stores too. Yes, I think this one is absolutely perfect for me. But so what? I never would have ordered it if there was a chance it wouldn't be finished on time! Hello! I would rather have a slightly less than perfect dress then no dress at all! So if I want my dress to be done on time, I have to go to the store every single day till the wedding for fittings. If it isn't done on the Thursday before the wedding there is going to be serious bloodshed. Oh, and the reason it didn't get here on May 1st? Because it is coming from China, and there are two to three weeks of customs. I need to point out that none of this was told to us. I'm so pissed. This is severely working against my "no more stressing" policy.

I will never understand this...

When customers call and ask me a question. Then, they repeat the SAME QUESTION fifteen times hoping my answer will change. It is one thing if they at least rephrase the question. Perhaps they are afraid they aren't being clear. But don't ask me the same exact question with the same exact wording. That means you are just trying to piss me off.

I'm sorry Ma'am. But socks won't magically appear in my store just because you keep asking if I have them.

I'm going to Hollywooood

Well, Maybe not just yet.

I'm a big big star in Germany though.

Oh wait, that makes me sound like I did a porn that involved some pooping on the chest. Which I most certainly did not do. To clarify, I haven't done any porn at all. Sorry to disappoint.

I was an extra in a Big Hollywood Film yesterday. It has big big stars in it. Dennis Quad, and that guy who is Claire's Dad's partner in the agency in Heroes. Eric something or other. Whooooo-hooooo.

I've never done extra work before, but I have one day off a week and I couldn't think of anything better to do than get up at THREE AM to go freeze my butt off sitting in an outdoor stadium for FIFTEEN HOURS. Bright side, we got lots of free food and snacks. And I got to hear countless people call themselves professional actors because they've done Extra work in both The Breakup and the episode of Prison break that filmed in Lisle.

It honestly wouldn't have been so bad, but it was absolutely freezing yesterday. It never broke 60. And that was in the sun. When the wind wasn't blowing. Which is was for 93% of the time.

All in all, I'd say I'm glad it was something I did. I can't say I'll do it again any time soon. It was long hours for not enough pay. Which was $10 for the first 8 hours, and then time and a half after that. Which seems like good money until hour #13 when you've been standing the whole time and all you want to do is stab yourself.

I'm one step away from a trailer in Alabama

Have you ever had a family member hit on you? It's quite disturbing.

A distant cousin just stopped in the store. We haven't seen each other in years. He is distant enough that he doesn't get invited to my family things. He is distant enough that we looked at each other and said, "Wait, aren't we related?" He is somehow related to my maternal grandmother. I should also point out, that he is at least 15 years my senior. With hideously yellow teeth (does that make me shallow? It's OK if it does. I'm just curious.)

He stood here for OVER AN HOUR talking to me about the most inane stuff. I tried to kindly get him to leave. I tried the "It's been great catching up but I have work to do." "I should get back to work so I'm not here all night." "Wow, it is almost 5? I should get back to work. There is so much to be done!" But the man would NOT take the hint. I finally put both hands (palm down) on the counter and said, "Alright. I am kicking you out now. It is 5:17 and I have a lot of work to get done." It still took him another five minutes to leave.

The whole time I kept getting the creepies that he was hitting on me. But he couldn't be, right? Because we are related? Oooooh but yes. When he was leaving he said, "It's too bad you are getting married..." To which I replied "Too bad for you. I'm damn happy about it." and then added "And we are related" He then reminded me that we are distantly related. I told him it is still pretty sick.

So yeah... I'm creeped out by my own sicko family. Nice.

Jesus, Relax

Hello. My name is Danielle, and I am an impatient person. I realize now that it's reached critical worry point. I can't seem to wait for people to respond to my emails. I'll catch myself refreshing the page 20 times a minute. This is not good. I am aware of the fact that people are not always tied down to their computers all day and all night like I am. I am also aware of the fact that if I am so desperate for immediate response I should just call them. Too bad phones and I are still in a fight.

Additionally, I am aware that making the title of this entry "Jesus Relax" makes it sound like it will be much more interesting than it actually is.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I look like I have lice today. The headband I'm wearing makes the back of my head itch.

I actually feel dumber after watching the news.

"Terrorism across the board is wrong and evil." - Random 'man on the street' commentator about the man who allegedly is The Bishop.

Thank you Captain Obvious. For without your insightful comments, I might never have known.

I might be a bad person...

...Because I find this to be insanely funny.




Oh, and we mustn't forget this one...

And lastly (for now) this one almost made me crap my pants I laughed so hard...



This is all I want to do today. Look at comics and laugh. I also want to think about Mike. And how much I love him. I think I picked the perfect song for us to dance to at our wedding. I started crying when I listened to it again. Hard. I started crying hard as I pictured dancing with him at our wedding. It absolutely blows my mind how much I love that man. Want to know how I know he is my forever? One good way is because I sob when I think about dancing with him at our wedding. I sob when I think about how much I love him. I sob when I wake up in the morning and realize that somehow, I actually love him more than I did yesterday. I have loved before. I have even thought I wanted to marry people before. Twice. Once, when I was 18. I chalk that one up to the fact that I was 18. I thought I knew my heart, and myself. But I didn't know either. The other was more recently. We never got engaged, and I believe that we never would have. He would have asked and I wouldn't have been able to say yes. He is a good person, and he was a great boyfriend. And maybe if we were different people it could have been something we didn't just talk about. But then I met Mike. And our relationship has been like no other. Not too far into it, I told him we had something special. I never could have guessed however, where it would actually go. I didn't even want a boyfriend out of him. I just enjoyed his company, and his friendship. Thank god, I still do. He is my rock, my strength, my heart, my soul. He is the only person I want to be with for the rest of time. He has made me a better person, someone I really like and respect. All because he is such a good person. The best, in fact. I have never met a more moral, truthful, amazing man in my life. I am in awe of him on a fairly regular basis. Yes, I have loved people before, but in comparison those loves mean nothing. How do i know that God put Mike and I on this earth to be with each other? Because I just do. Because nothing has felt more right. Because I've never gotten excited thinking about having anyone else's children. Because my heart and my head are screaming at me take his hand and never let go. And of course because of the sobbing. I used to be a bit of a non-emotional hard-ass. I prided myself on the fact that I went three years without crying. Eventually I softened up and allowed myself to watch (and admit to watching) romantic comedies, and cry unabashedly at them. I allowed myself to open up to people more and express my feelings and not be afraid. But this? These intense wracking sobs? Over a guy? Because I'm so happy? This I've never done before. I thank Hashem (God) for him on a daily basis. And I cry then too. I look at his picture and I get misty eyed. It's actually completely out of hand and I hope it stops after the wedding. But for now I'm totally ok with it. Because it feels good to cry so much for a good reason. Even if that does make me such a girl.

Er...

Jeopardy had a category called

Let Me See Your "Lips"

Seriously. There were the Quote marks and everything.

sshhh...

This isn't mine, but I feel like it could be.

Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream

I gross myself out sometimes. This drink is an abomination. And I like it. I probably won't in a week. In a week I'll get vomity at the sheer thought of it's caramely goodness. But until then, it's probably all I'll want to drink.

Just a Little Ouchie

While at work today I accidentally tagged my finger onto a shirt. I was attempting to talk to a customer, and tag a shirt at the same time. Apparently, I'm a big fat liar in interviews when I claim I can multi-task.

Thankfully (and miraculously) the finger didn't bleed when I pulled that little plastic thing out. Somehow the customer never noticed my ordeal. Either I am a fascinating conversationalist, or stealthy. I'm hoping for stealthy.

The things we lose

On the SocialSatellite temp site that Andrew set up Mary left a journal entry bemoaning the loss of all her entries. It had really hit her all the memories she had lost. She joined the site right after she moved here to Chicago, so there were all of her observations on living life in the city, teaching on the southside, meeting her fiance, and stories of her southside students (Like the girl who had to bring her mom in to school for a meeting, but her mom was in jail, and she didn't want to tell her grandma so she didn't get her butt whooped so she paid a crack whore hanging on the corner $10 to come and pretend to be her mom. Or the kid who came on her Canada trip last summer who refused to use bathrooms and pooped his pants everyday instead.)

So this was my response to her. I feel the need to copy and paste because now I'm paranoid of everything I write disappearing into the abyss.

"I know hon. I know how you feel. Everything about getting my store ready, dating mitch, breaking up with mitch, going on the most horrendous dates (that make the best stories now), the guy with the hair plugs who bitched about his mother and said I was lucky I have straight teeth or he wouldn't have gone out with me, the cerebral palsy guy, the major twitch guy, the guy who slammed 6 beers in 30 minutes, the one who never stopped talking, the one who stopped talking to me when he realized I wasn't going to go home with him, the "I can't wait for my parents to meet you" guy, the "I have severe mental issues" guy, the guy with the missing/removable teeth, the guy who yelled at me after two weeks, the guy whose apartment I FLED when he tried touching my breast, all the other awful guys, then meeting mike, bitching about the stupid things mike said, dating him, falling in love with him, getting engaged to him, leaving rocky, coming back to rocky, going out last summer with Jason all the time, Meeting all the new people to the site, building relationships with them, all of their fantastic supportive, helpful and funny comments, the recorded memories of all of our get togethers, important Huge moments of my life, tiny inconsequential moments, embarrassing admissions, bearings of my soul, EVERYTHING. It's all gone. And I'm even more bitter because I must have been out of the room when the announcement was made. Or paying attention to something else entirely.''

Fried Chicken?

A customer just came in and returned a skirt. It smells like fried chicken. I am so grossed out right now.

TansAmerica

Mike and I watched TransAmerica last night.

Felicity Huffman was amazing. I forgot she is really a woman.

The costume designer did a fantastic job dressing her like a man dressing like a woman. They also made great use of shoulder pads to broaden her shoulders.

Overall I thought it was just great. I really cannot believe I waited so long to see it.

In completely unrelated news, I spent $40 on takeout last night. We didn't even eat half of it, and Mike's roommate was eating too. I've really got to learn to control my impulses.

I hate new blogs

I suppose I could have gone back to my journal at diaryland. But that journal was from a much younger me. A girl in a much different place in her life. So now that SocialSatellite disappeared I figured it was time for something new.