MC Poo-Pants

Dear Crazy Lady,

I am so happy you want to shop in my store. I am also happy you are trying to amuse me with your adorable sweatshirt with the ice cream cone patches all over it. Oh, and the big colored buttons sewn on? Really make the whole look. And so far, whatever conversation you are loudly having with yourself is fairly funny.

The only thing I ask ma'am, is that you clean the poo from your pants before you come in the next time. The smell is burning my eyes.

Oh, and there is one more thing. I'm OK with your mini-backpack. I really am. It's your Denim Fanny Pack I take issue with. It is personally offending me.

Thank You!

Signed,

Someone Who Knows She Is Shallow, And Does Not Care If It Makes Her A Bad Person.

Mass Murder In Skokie, IL

I might be on the run soon. Because I might be killing everyone who works in the bridal store I ordered my dress from. I ordered my dress almost three months ago. It was supposed to take 8 weeks to get here. We paid for a double rush so it would get here MAY 1st. Um yeah. I don't know if anyone is aware, May 1st passed 15 days ago. And guess what? My dress won't be in until tomorrow. Which means tomorrow morning I will be waiting at their doors when they open. Because I already know there will be a lot of alterations to be done. Because that is how we ordered it. We figured there were certain nips and tucks that would be easier to do while it was on my body. But now, we barely have time to do it. I'm getting married in a little over two weeks. And the lady at the store had the NERVE to tell me it will be cutting it close, like it was my fault. I snapped on her and told her that was completely their fault. I love my dress. I really really love my dress. But I loved a bunch of dresses I tried on at other stores too. Yes, I think this one is absolutely perfect for me. But so what? I never would have ordered it if there was a chance it wouldn't be finished on time! Hello! I would rather have a slightly less than perfect dress then no dress at all! So if I want my dress to be done on time, I have to go to the store every single day till the wedding for fittings. If it isn't done on the Thursday before the wedding there is going to be serious bloodshed. Oh, and the reason it didn't get here on May 1st? Because it is coming from China, and there are two to three weeks of customs. I need to point out that none of this was told to us. I'm so pissed. This is severely working against my "no more stressing" policy.

I will never understand this...

When customers call and ask me a question. Then, they repeat the SAME QUESTION fifteen times hoping my answer will change. It is one thing if they at least rephrase the question. Perhaps they are afraid they aren't being clear. But don't ask me the same exact question with the same exact wording. That means you are just trying to piss me off.

I'm sorry Ma'am. But socks won't magically appear in my store just because you keep asking if I have them.

I'm going to Hollywooood

Well, Maybe not just yet.

I'm a big big star in Germany though.

Oh wait, that makes me sound like I did a porn that involved some pooping on the chest. Which I most certainly did not do. To clarify, I haven't done any porn at all. Sorry to disappoint.

I was an extra in a Big Hollywood Film yesterday. It has big big stars in it. Dennis Quad, and that guy who is Claire's Dad's partner in the agency in Heroes. Eric something or other. Whooooo-hooooo.

I've never done extra work before, but I have one day off a week and I couldn't think of anything better to do than get up at THREE AM to go freeze my butt off sitting in an outdoor stadium for FIFTEEN HOURS. Bright side, we got lots of free food and snacks. And I got to hear countless people call themselves professional actors because they've done Extra work in both The Breakup and the episode of Prison break that filmed in Lisle.

It honestly wouldn't have been so bad, but it was absolutely freezing yesterday. It never broke 60. And that was in the sun. When the wind wasn't blowing. Which is was for 93% of the time.

All in all, I'd say I'm glad it was something I did. I can't say I'll do it again any time soon. It was long hours for not enough pay. Which was $10 for the first 8 hours, and then time and a half after that. Which seems like good money until hour #13 when you've been standing the whole time and all you want to do is stab yourself.

I'm one step away from a trailer in Alabama

Have you ever had a family member hit on you? It's quite disturbing.

A distant cousin just stopped in the store. We haven't seen each other in years. He is distant enough that he doesn't get invited to my family things. He is distant enough that we looked at each other and said, "Wait, aren't we related?" He is somehow related to my maternal grandmother. I should also point out, that he is at least 15 years my senior. With hideously yellow teeth (does that make me shallow? It's OK if it does. I'm just curious.)

He stood here for OVER AN HOUR talking to me about the most inane stuff. I tried to kindly get him to leave. I tried the "It's been great catching up but I have work to do." "I should get back to work so I'm not here all night." "Wow, it is almost 5? I should get back to work. There is so much to be done!" But the man would NOT take the hint. I finally put both hands (palm down) on the counter and said, "Alright. I am kicking you out now. It is 5:17 and I have a lot of work to get done." It still took him another five minutes to leave.

The whole time I kept getting the creepies that he was hitting on me. But he couldn't be, right? Because we are related? Oooooh but yes. When he was leaving he said, "It's too bad you are getting married..." To which I replied "Too bad for you. I'm damn happy about it." and then added "And we are related" He then reminded me that we are distantly related. I told him it is still pretty sick.

So yeah... I'm creeped out by my own sicko family. Nice.

Jesus, Relax

Hello. My name is Danielle, and I am an impatient person. I realize now that it's reached critical worry point. I can't seem to wait for people to respond to my emails. I'll catch myself refreshing the page 20 times a minute. This is not good. I am aware of the fact that people are not always tied down to their computers all day and all night like I am. I am also aware of the fact that if I am so desperate for immediate response I should just call them. Too bad phones and I are still in a fight.

Additionally, I am aware that making the title of this entry "Jesus Relax" makes it sound like it will be much more interesting than it actually is.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I look like I have lice today. The headband I'm wearing makes the back of my head itch.