I always wanted to be a mom. But now that I am I am amazed that it happened. Not in a bad way, don't get me wrong. I love my baby and I love the relationship we are developing. But at least 5 times a day I look at him and think, "Holy shit, how the hell am I a mom?" And other times I think, "How did I manage to get such a god damn great kid?" Because he is. We really lucked out and he is a great baby.
I think part of my problem is I am convinced that he wouldn't be here if my dad hadn't died last year. He died suddenly, March 9th 2010. Just a month or so later I was pregnant. It could have happened at any point before then, but it didn't. People kept saying ridiculous things to me like, "Your father helped you get pregnant in heaven." Which aside from being insane is truly creepy. I don't think my dad had anything to do with it. I think I got lazy. But either way, Joshua wouldn't be here if my dad still was. And that is something I am having a hard time getting past.
Thankfully that doesn't change how much I adore him. He is an amazing little bundle of cuteness and wonder.
