I just had the longest weekend of my life. It was so long, that it's Thursday night and I'm just recovering from it.
We had TWO weddings. Both out of town. The first was last Thursday in Detroit. I know, right? Ew, Detroit. And I gotta say, for as inexpensive as real estate is down there, I should not have had to pay $276 for ONE NIGHT at a hotel. Not unless that room comes with a complimentary BJ for my husband.
That wedding was fun enough. It was the first time I can remember where my allergies actually came in handy. Normally I go to weddings and all I can eat is bread. But this time I got to eat TWO bowls of soup (one of which was the best split pea soup I have ever had) while everyone else got to eat afterbirth smothered chicken. It was so gross looking that even if I could have eaten it, I would have stuck with the dinner rolls and veggie plate. It was a super dry looking, stuffed chicken breast. Then, cherry pie filling straight from the can (it looks different after it's been cooked, I'm not just guessing) was globbed on top. ---About five years ago I was present at the birth of my good friend Tami's son. It was a powerful experience (powerful=scary and nauseating) that I feel blessed to have shared with her. But there were a few parts that I could have done without. Seeing her in so much pain for so long was not awesome for me. The apesiotomy made my vagina sad to watch. But mostly it was the afterbirth. Because for anyone who doesn't know, afterbirth looks like cherry pie filling with some mucus tossed in for good measure.
Then we had the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner for Mike's sister's wedding. Religious Jews don't do rehearsals, so I'm always amused when I have to attend one. But it usually means you get a good meal and free alcohol afterward, so I'm always happy with that. After dinner everyone went back to the house where Chris (the douche bag brother) continued to prove why Mike and I don't have anything to do with him. I'm not going to get into the sordid details, but lets just say he made a very uncomfortable scene with his father. Twice.
The next day was the wedding, which was held in their backyard. Side note: I've determined the ONLY reason to live in the middle of fucking-nowhere-not-even-a-suburb-because-you-are-so-far-from-anything-
resembling-a-city is the amount of land you can get for a reasonable price. Jen and Steve (and Dad) have like two acres of land. Which is a measurement that barely makes sense to someone who thinks in city terms. Lets just say it is real big. Like a block and a half. And they have a pond! With fish! they go fishing in their own backyard! it is all mind blowing to me. Anyhow, the wedding was beautiful. It rained at one point, but that is why God made tents, so it was fine. The matron of honor from hell gave a speech that was all about her. D-bag brother made an uncomfortable comment to me about his crotch being close to my face as he walked passed me while I was sitting down. The egg donor thought it would be an awesome idea to try to slow dance with Mike. Even though she thought it would be a good idea to ignore me all day regardless of the fact that I was being SUPER nice to her since it was Jenny's wedding day. You know what is a good way to win over my husband? Be rude to his wife. Brilliant decision. We ended up leaving early because (among other reasons) he couldn't take being around them any longer. He literally ran out of the tent when we left.
Oh, and I got into an altercation with the matron-of-honor from hell. I got fed up with her treating the bride and groom like her slaves. I do not like that woman. The only thing that saved her from a black eye was the way she acted once Jenny came back from her hair appointment.
This weekend I have another bachelorette party. The following weekend is another wedding. The 4th of July is another wedding... All told, this summer we have 9 weddings. So far. I'm so freaking tired already.
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